The Office: Season Nine
by Loki100
Summary: The continuing adventures of Jim Halpert in a season where everyone has left.


_Stanley: We have all these new people wondering around. And I do not want to train them. I could barely tolerate the old people, like Phyllis and Meredith and... I want to say Todd, I'm not even going to bother learning the names of these new people._

Jim sat typing at his desk, he smiled at the pretty, blonde young woman who now sat at the desk next to his. Dwight had quit to spend more time running Schrute Farms.

"Hi, I'm Jim," he said, giving her a sheepish smile.

"Emily," she said, giving him a bland, almost stupid smile.

_Jim: I wanted to quit over the summer. But everything I tried pretty much flopped. So It looks like I am back here at Dunder-Mifflin, or Sabre or whatever we're called this week. At least until next year._

Emily organized the papers on her desk into a nice stack and then looked around for her stapler. She couldn't find one on her desk, so she started opening up the drawers. Looking down she sighed deeply, and then plopped a stapler covered in Jello on top of the stack. She chuckled an said, "Very funny guys!" Jim sheepishly smiled at the camera.

After another hour or so, Jim got up and walked over to Erin at reception. "Do you know when the new boss is supposed to be here?" he asked.

"Yes."

There was a long pause. "Would you tell me what time that is?"

"Sure, I wrote it down right here," she said, handing him a slip of paper.

"This is a drawing of your hand as a turkey."

Erin leaned closer, "I don't know how to write," she whispered in his ear.

Jim was about to ask how she had a job, when the fire alarm sounded. He turned to see Angela rushing towards his desk, holding a fire extinguisher. Smoke was billowing up from his computer, and fire was quickly spreading across the desk. Staunchly, Angela held her ground, spraying foam onto the burning office equipment.

"Jim!" she cried harshly, "what did you do to your desk?"

"I didn't do anything!"

_Emily: Revenge is a magical pony ride into the darkest pit of the soul, a soup and salad bar where you can never be full no matter how many croutons you eat. And yet revenge is a compulsion that compulses you to revenge yourself upon those whom you would revenge. And I shall destroy Jim Halpert, or my name isn't Emily Throne. Which it is not._

Jim hurriedly typed into his computer, a worried look on his face. He picked up his phone, and practically slammed the numbers down as he dialed. "Pam, according to Mastercard we've reached our credit limit, and the bank is saying our credit rating is zero. What's going on?"

_Emily: Revenge is what's going on. Revenge is the action of the emotion of revenge and is like a large sundae of ice cream on the soul. It fills you with glee, but not the TV show Glee, but destroys you, like the TV show Glee. Revenge..._

A blonde woman in a rather long elegant dress stepped into the office, regally she said in a loud voice, "Greetings, I am Cersei Lannister, and I am the new branch manager of this office. Can I see a Jim Halpery in my office?"

Jim smiled sheepishly at the camera and then followed her into Michael's old office.

"Jim," she said, sitting down behind the desk. "May I call you Jim? I am going to call you Jim. Who do you work for?"

"Sabre?" he said, finding the question incredibly odd. She squinted her eyes and he could tell she was not happy with his answer.

"Jim, when you play the game of paper products, you win or you die. There is no middle ground."

"I think you're being a little dramatic..."

"Silence!" she barked, she pulled a piece of paper out of a file folder and placed it gently in front of her. "I have the paper work that named you the assistant regional manager right here in front of me," she said in a threatening manner. "I need to know where your loyalties lie, Jim."

"Uhh... the company."

She picked up the paper and ripped it to pieces, "Get out! And be glad that this is all I am doing... for now."

_Jim: That was the weirdest meeting I have ever been in._

_Cersei: Jim is obviously working for Staples. So long as he is useful to me I shall keep him close. Until such time as I control all the paper in the world, and then he shall be... useless."_

"Sorry I'm late," Jim said, rushing into the office the next morning, "My car got... wugh!" He groaned as a black suited security guard tackled him to the floor.

"We've secured the intruder," the security guard said into a walkie talkie.

"I work here," Jim said, "Erin, tell him I work here!"

Erin's eyes grew big as she began to panic, "I... think I've seen him before," she stammered, "But I'm not sure."

"That's Jim Habbleman," Cersei said, walking by, "He does work here... for now."

The security guard helped Jim up, and then patted him down, making sure he wasn't carrying any weapons.

_Jim: Cersei has hired a lot of new security. A lot. There are more security guards now than people working in the office._

_Stanley: I do not mind the new security guards. They make everybody nervous. And when everybody's nervous, no one talks to me. That's what I call a good day._

_Angela: The only people that should be nervous are the people who are doing something wrong. I never do anything wrong, so I'm not nervous._

Jim smiled sheepishly at the camera as he sat down at his desk. "I'm sorry, I'm a little late," he said to Cersei, "My car got towed and I had to take the bus."

_Emily: REVENGE!_

"That's no excuse!" she said, grabbing some random papers off his desk and tearing them up before going back to her office.

Erin's phone rang. She started to nervously sweat as she picked it up, "Hello," she said as she looked down at a series of little pictures she had drawn for herself. "This is... sword Pennsylvania, this is Heron speaking, how may I help you?...Okay." Holding the phone she walked around the desk, and then over towards Cersei's office. The phone cord started knocking things off Jim's desk and then the phone itself slammed into his head. Erin stood calmly as the security guards patted her down before she entered. "Phone call" she said, struggling as the phone no longer had any slack.

"You could have transferred the call," Cersei said.

"Transferred?"

_Cersei: It's important to have a loyal spy at reception. They are the ones in a position to monitor all the communication that goes on in the office. Erin is a loyal spy. Normally I'd say loyalty is more important than intelligence..._

Cersei stepped out of her office, as Erin took the phone back to reception.

"I have some terrible news," Cersei said, "It seems Robert California has died of a perfectly natural, perfectly normal heart attack."

"What?" asked Phyllis, "He was so young and healthy."

"Are you questioning my story?"

"No, I was just shocked."

"You would come into this office, and cast suspicions and aspersions, making all sorts of insinuations? I have your personnel file right here," she said, taking it out of a file folder, and tearing it up. She gestured to two security guards who swooped down on Phyllis, grabbing the back of her chair and wheeling her out.

"You'll be happy to know that even with Robert's unfortunate, but completely natural and unpreventable in any way, death, we will continue to boldly sell paper products. Phyllis, for example, has just been promoted, and is attending a management training seminar... in the basement."

Jim walked into the annex of the office, and headed towards Toby's old cubicle. In it he found an African American woman in a black bodysuit and a black mask fiddling with papers.

"Ahh, you have come to congratulate me no doubt?" she said in a sultry voice.

"Uh, no, I'm Jim, congratulate you on what?"

"Oh, Jim, Jim, Jim, as if you didn't know. I have committed the most duplicitous act, CAT-egory, felony," she said, smiling, "It was the purrrrrrfect crime. A CAT-astrophe only the greatest criminal genius in the world could plan. I waited until Angela went to the bathroom, and then I swiped this," she said, holding up a porcelain cat figurine, "off her desk! HA-HA-HA!"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Jim, Jim, Jim, what are you, some sort of superhero?"

"No, I just want to talk to our Human Resources representative."

"Well I am your new representative, CATWOMAN! The greatest criminal genius in the world, superhero. How's that for a CAT-aclysm?"

"Can we just talk about," he leaned closer, looking at the intimidating black suited security guard, and whispered, "Cersei?"

"You would like that, wouldn't you superhero? But how would you like to be... rendered CAT-atonic!" She flipped a giant switch on her desk, and nothing happened. "Hold on," she said, flipping it back and forth. "I must not have it properly installed." She started rummaging around her drawers, "I have the instruction manual in here somewhere..."

Jim got up and left back to his desk, but as soon as he sat down he leapt up screaming, "Oww!" then looking down at his chair he said, loudly to the entire office, "alright, who put a tack on my chair?"

_Emily: MORE REVENGE!_

_Catwoman: What Jim doesn't know is that I have done what no other criminal could! I have... STOLEN HIS WALLET! Ha-ha-ha! Jim will rue the day he decided to play CAT and mouse with me!_

Jim swung his head into Gabe's office. "Oh, good. You're still a person who works here," he said, "Yeah, I have a complaint. I think the new HR rep is a kleptomaniac."

"Really, Jim? I don't think Cersei would hire someone that is not befitting her glorious reign," Gabe's eyes glowed with awe at the thought of Cersei. "But let me call her." He reached over to pick up his phone, only to find it wasn't there. "That's odd," he said, "where's my phone?"

_Catwoman: Only a criminal mastermind could purrrrrrloin Gabe's TELEPHONE!_

Jim sat at his desk typing away. Emily gave him a shy smile as she sent the police an anonymous tip that there was a crystal meth lab in the basement of his house. Suddenly Jim's chair swung around, and Catwoman plopped into his lap, facing him.

"Jim, Jim, Jim," she said, "We could be the purrrrrrrfect partners in crime. The greatest criminals to ever live. No guest list would be complete without the addition of the queen of crime, the princess of plunder, yours untruly, and her companion, Mittens."

"Uhh, excuse me, I'm happily married," he reached back behind him to grab a framed photo, "This is my wife, Pam."

Catwoman looked at the photograph, "In any comparison between Pam and myself, she runs a poor third. How can Pam be considered the best anything when Catwoman is around, superhero?"

"Excuse me," Cersei said, stepping out of her office. "I have more very sad news, It seems Jo was on a hunting trip and accidentally shot herself in the face sixteen times on accident." Her eyes narrowed and she scanned the room. "Are there any questions about this incident." Everyone stood there silently. "Good." She looked down at Jim, "If you are quite finished, I need to see you in my office."

_Oscar: Do I have any questions or speculations about what happened to Jo? Do I look stupid? Of course I don't._

Jim sat in the very small, low to the ground chair that was across the desk from Cersei. She leaned forward. "Jim, it has come to my attention that you and Karen Filippelli used to be lovers."

"Well, I wouldn't put it like that."

"And how would you put it?"

"Just... not like that."

"She is moving against me, and I need to know where your loyalties lie."

"She's not your enemy."

"Everyone who is not in this office is my enemy. I need to know this Karen's weaknesses, and I may need your help to destroy her. You do want to help me, don't you?" Cersei's eyes narrowed.

Jim gulped, but before he could say anything a black shadow slinked in through the door.

"Eat kitty litter!" Catwoman screamed, throwing a bag of sand at Cersei. She rushed in and grabbed the stapler off her desk. "Yet another entry in my CAT-alog of crime! HAHAHAHA!" she laughed as she ran out.

_Stanley: Why no, I don't notice anything different about the office these days. People yapping about their personal lives, even thought nobody gives a damn. I just want to do my crossword, not listen to Meredith talk about her kids or how Catwoman stole the Blue Diamond from the sultan of Jamush._


End file.
